Self-confidence: I Can Do It!

Posted on by

You may be asking what does self-confidence have to do with anxiety and stress management?  Wikapedia defines self-confidence as “…self-assuredness in one’s personal judgment, ability and power, etc….”  I like this definition because it emphasizes the concept of capability. Capability is a general feeling and belief that you can handle what life throws at you.  When you struggle with anxiety you often struggle with self-doubt. You do not feel like you can trust yourself. This feeling itself can cause anxiety. So when you feel fear and/or anxiety in a situation you avoid it. The avoidance behaviors then reinforce the belief that you are not capable of handling that situation. Avoidance behaviors also reinforce the anxiety. So it is a vicious cycle. There are subtle avoidance behaviors and more obvious avoidance behaviors. Becoming aware of the ways in which you avoid are very important.  

     What is the origin of this lack of self-confidence?  Negative core beliefs you hold  about yourself that were formed at a very young age. These beliefs cause a low self-worth.   Ask yourself, what do I think and believe about myself?  Is it really true?  No but it feels true.  But luckily,  feelings aren’t facts.  You are just in a bad habit. You can change the way you view yourself, which in turn, lowers your anxiety.

     There are two ways to change your negative core beliefs about yourself which will then help you let go of your negative self-image and increase your self worth. The first action you can take is saying affirmations such as “I am capable” and “I am worthy”. The other way to change your beliefs is taking small  positive actions in your life and giving yourself credit for taking those actions. When you have fear and do something anyway, try focusing on the strength and courage you have rather than focusing on the fear. Don’t discount even the smallest accomplishments.

 Take Care, Suzanne

 

“Self-trust is the secret of success.”    Ralph Waldo Emerson

Social Anxiety: “Will They Like Me?

Posted on by

While meeting new people in a social situation is usually uncomfortable, people who suffer from social anxiety experience a lot more than just the normal amount of anxiety in a variety of social situations.  If you have anxiety in social situations, you probably already know this fact.  But what you may not know are the components that make up social anxiety. 

For the most part, social anxiety is comprised of fear of criticism, fear of rejection, and problems with self-image and/or body image.    Fear of criticism and fear of rejection are often rooted in life experiences such as teasing at school or an overly critical parent, but not always.  Social anxiety, to some extent, is usually a part of life during the developmental phase of adolescence.   But some people  are not able to grow out of it.   With social anxiety you will find yourself very preoccupied with what others think of you and how they see you.  Sufferers take the negative ways they see themselves and actually imagine that others see them in the same way. 

The truth is that when you pick on yourself,  your self-image becomes very negative.  It is important to become of aware of what you are saying to yourself about your self and your body.  Is it negative, judgmental, critical, or harsh?  Many people would never talk to someone else the way they talk to themselves.  Because if they did, they would be accused of being mean and abusive.  This sounds like an exaggeration but believe me it is not.

So the first step to treating social anxiety is to increase your awareness about how you talk to yourself.   See if you can seek to understand where this harsh talk comes from and start to challenge it.  The truth is we are not all bad or good. Human beings have their strengths and weaknesses.  The best we can do is be aware of them and try our best, and that is good enough.  Try to give yourself some credit each day for something you have done.  And watch out for a common pitfall, comparing yourself to others.  The only truly fair thing is to  compare yourself to yourself and acknowledge your own progress. 

Take Good Care, Suzanne

 

What If . . . ?

Posted on by

 I mentioned worrying in the proceeding blogs.   Worries are negative thoughts projected into the future.  They are often referred to as “what-if”  thoughts. Here are some examples:  What if I don’t do well on my math test tomorrow?, What if  my plane crashes?, What if my boyfriend’s parents don’t like me?, What if that lump is cancer?, What if my husband gets into a car crash on his way home from work?, What if I don’t have enough money to pay my mortgage?, and on and on and on.   Worrying is a very bad habit.  For some it is not just a bad habit but an activity with a purpose.  That purpose is to feel in “control”. 

Clients often ask, “Aren’t there some things I have to worry about?”   or  to put it another way;”Don’t I have to  figure things out?”. The answer is no. The only thing worrying accomplishes is to create anxiety.    Concern and planning are not the same as worry.  Worry goes around in a loop (the hamster wheel) and is fueled by fear and anxiety. The need to feel in control is also fueled by fear.   Concern and planning  are NOT  fueled by fear and anxiety. Concern is caring.  Planning  is logistical problem solving.  

So the bad news is that control is an illusion.  And worrying as a way to get control is futile.  The good news is you do not have to worry.  Stop calling your worry necessary.  Worry takes up a lot of your mental and emotional energy.  Call it worry and be willing to let it go.  It is making you anxious and you don’t need it.   There is freedom in letting go of worry and the need to control.   Think about all the energy you will free up.

Worry About Anxiety Symptoms:
My Body Is Not My Friend?

Posted on by

Do you worry about the physical symptoms of anxiety? (click on “anxiety checklist” at the top of the page to see the common symptoms)  You are not alone.  The physical symptoms of anxiety are a very big source of worry for many.  The symptoms can be so intense and scary that it is common to end up in the emergency room of  the hospital, only to find out that it was a panic attack.   The physical symptoms of anxiety and stress are a result of the physiological response called the fight-or-flight response.  If you are interested in finding out more about the fight-or-flight response click on the link below:

Fight-Or-Flight Response
By  

Over time you may lose trust in your body.  The symptoms sometimes feel like they are coming out of the blue. The symptoms occur  in public places.  So you worry about them.  What do they mean?  Am I having a heart attack?  Will my dizziness make me faint in public and embarrass myself?  The what-if thoughts are endless.  And because of the mind-body connection in anxiety,  the worry makes the symptoms worse. 

The truth is that these physical symptoms will not hurt you.  I know that it is hard to remember this when you are in the thick of it.  Bottom line is that these symptoms are very uncomfortable.  Learning to sit in discomfort without trying to make it stop is a coping skill that is very effective.  Using your rational mind to talk yourself through it is also important.  Say to yourself statements such as,  “This feels uncomfortable but it is temporary and will eventually pass”, “This is just my anxiety and I am OK”,  “It’s OK to be uncomfortable”.  These statements are reassurance as well as reinforcement of new thoughts.   This process leads to ACCEPTANCE of the symptoms.  Acceptance allows change to occur.  If you can truly accept your physical symptoms, they will not last as long.  Sometimes I even encourage people to talk to the anxiety symptoms.  You can even invite  the anxiety symptoms in by saying,  “Bring it on!”  “Come and get me”.  Facing your fear of your symptoms will help to decrease them, especially in the long run.  

Don’t let them control you. Be brave!  Courage is not the absence of fear, it is having the fear and doing it anyway.

Suzanne  Dorfman, M.Ed.

“Whatever you are trying to avoid won’t go away until you confront it.”  Anonymous

Stress and the Hamster Head

Posted on by

You may be wondering, “What is a “hamster head”? Good question.  Hamster head is an analogy for our undisciplined mind. Just picture a very active hamster darting around his cage, easily distracted and running on his hamster wheel getting nowhere. The hamster represents your thinking. To give you some examples of this thinking; there are what-if thoughts (worries), obsessive thoughts, and the “I have to figure this out” thoughts. This thinking is our undisciplined mind and a major source of stress.

Continue reading →